another 2 lbs down. cw:146. whew...that 150 the other day scared the shit outta me. i cant wait to be in the 120s im gonna love it i can feel it. when i bend over the bellybotton area goes in so much it almost feels like its touching my back. too bad theres so much extra disgusting hanging around it. fuck i hate my body. oh well soon enough.my lazy ass needs to stop lagging on classes. havent eaten today. im stressed in just want to smoke and get drunk. but drinkings gonna make me wanna eat. oh well...theres always subway?

edit;//

about to eat a 6inch subway veggie delight. like 260 calories or 280. thats all ill eat today. fuck it.

there are certain drugs i do strictly to lose weight. i ate ridiculously today, an offer was mad, i took it considering weight loss very much. met a bunch of legit ass gangster guys, one older head i talked to all night and found a very legitimate human. which is hard to find. got hit on a bunch. almost got arrested. not down...but fuck i need to get a new kind of life. this shits getting too much

oh btw this 16 yr old kid there, g as fuck, picked me up and carried me down the street at one point. i felt like such a girl it was down. i cant wait till im smaller.

im fat. but ill be less fat in a few hours.

''//edit//''

lost 3 pounds from that excursion the other night. then failed a little and had souplantation. very small portions but still....then fruit....but all at leat 3 hours before ill sleep. i feel a little crazy right now but dont know why. maybe i officially lost it...hm.

so after i lost a few pounds i continued to gain them back thanks to beer, really dank weed and horrible eating habits between the times of 10pm-5am. i have to cut back on partying everydamn day. and eating so fucking much when im high. it's become ridiculous. going to my class today. still fucking up...gah. so i got a story...

the other day im at my work with my chik friend who also works there, Priscilla, and my gay coworker Jose who's totally slutty and fabulous and loves it. anyway we were all talking and im like "yeah i used to be like 285,  or more". and they were both straight out "no." im like "how can you tell me no? i know how big i was haha" n theyre still like "...no. just no. bring a picture and ill believe u. until then...no". see priscilla is probably about that weight or more, and a little shorter than me. and shes like "oh yes so that means in 5 years ima be your size. sure" im like "idk i did it in like...2". she didnt say anything. i like this girl though, she's chill. it just trips me out no one there can believe me. because to me im always thinking about it, and how big i still am, and what i need to fix.

both the guys i was messing with at work fucked up with me one way or another. so im looking at moving jobs. plus theres just a lot of drama there, it's just a bunch of beaners who dont know what the fuck theyre doing or how to conduct themselves properly.

im watching that show on paris hilton...shes exactly as id thought she'd be in private life. i like her even more now.

i will not fuck up on eating anymore today. i will not eat after 10 pm. oh by the way, does anyone think the subway diet really works? cuz i keep getting subway thinking thatll make me fine but what if im being lies to eh?

guess ill go back to torturing myself with thinspo. the other night one of the guys was like "oh you should have been her to see this girl, so fine, she was SO THIN. so thin! and blonde. so thin though". reinforcement. reinforcement. thinspo thinspo thinspo.

ive gained 5 fucking pounds in i dont know how many days. my mouth dropped open in shock and disgust. im on my way now to see how much those kickboxing classes are. i cant believe i let myself do this shit. ughhh.....fuck jack in the box and coronas (for now).

i wont buy any clothes. fuck anyone. or even try to think im cute in any fucking way until i, at least, lose those 5. ugh. there are weird pains in my stomach, this really insane part of my brain keeps telling itself it's pregnant. and these pains must be from my muscles srtretching inside. of course, this is totally insane because i havent slept with that guy in a month or so n even though my periods have been kind of off theyve still been there. idk i just feel like im bruised from the inside in random parts of my stomach and side.

i failed to show to my probation again. i wonder whats seriously gonna happen to my life just because of the fact i dont take care of vital things i need to make it. gah. stressed eating has been fucking me too.

today is all the thinspo i've gone through that make me think "these are the girls your boyfriend cant HELP but want" most of this credit goes to not-ur-average-thinspo n fat_cheerleaders_suck. all these girls are the ones that get to have the asshole i still cant seem to not think about from time to time. all these perfect small blonde white girls with blue eyes, that i will NEVER be. but at least i can be as small, and dress as well. hello crazy, you must be addicted to me.

oldie but goodie

=o

shoes!

\

i always see this but it always makes me jealous.

There must be something seriously wrong with me. girls, when you're looking for a guy his style/attitude/personality/mindset reflects whats in you, and what you feel like you want/need. the fact i always like assholes who will never fully commit to me makes me not know what to think of myself anymore. i mean, im never "looking" for a commitment i SAY (because hell i can't turn down a guy who shoots me some compliments and asks for my number. but i realize now...thats also a problem.) but now im thinking i want that im just scared of the possibilities. getting that attatched to someone (i have no good history record with getting attatched to guys, i've been left in worse ways than i can mention right now. all by choice of the guy in question.)

anyway, all this is because of last night. We decided to drink at my work, the guy (lets call him The Bean) i've been in a playful "relationship" with at work wasnt treating me the same. trouble is this is after a moment of weakness decision to sleep with him 3 or 4 nights ago. trouble is this is also after i had that session and it was HORRIBLE. he didnt know how to touch me, he couldnt find the hole first off, and his movements mostly consisted of the informaation you'd get watching one angle of a really bad porno. but still, i kept him in my brain and figured id teach him a thing or two. but the next 2 days he acts all weird, and says he doesnt want me anymore (not to me, to other people mind you). anyway by the end of the night this guy danny who treats me incredibly nice, offers to buy me simple things and always says how if i was his girl he'd do so much shit to make me happy. he wouldnt treat me like The Bean, and that fool needs a fucking wake up call if hes failing with me. he said he talked to another worker who agreed completely. so, i have all these worthwhile people, the kind i'v been saying i want around just offering their friendship and sincerity and im sitting waiting and watching The Bean who straight out says he doesn't want me anymore. and im still sitting there like a bitch asking "but...why?". Danny finally got tired by the end of the night "idk...you're fucked up i guess. im outta here. think about your shit and what your doing. ill hit you up later though" he said it all straight out, serious, but completely unhurtful. it was just the truth and i needed to hear it. i tried talking to the bean later that night, told him i hadnt done anything with anyone so what was his deal. he said "i dont know" about 50 times and left me with nothing but "tomorrow.". so fuck him...but thats what i say now. why am i not strong enough to set rules for myself?

another bean at work was like "----'s a faggot. he's a little boy. im a man, i'd treat you right. not all guys are the same." yeah yeah...yeah. you have a gf you wouldnt admit to for months till i accidently met her. sure, not all guys are the same but SO MANY are.

ANYWAY. MORE IMPORTANT XANGA issues. corona X 8 + jack in the box=fatness. i ate ridiculous shit yesterday, but at least i spaced it out this time. but fuuuuck i always get a craving for Taco Nachos when im fucked up its so gross. I'm signing up for kickboxing classes soon. so ill be sexy as fuck in no time. ha...a bikini has never been in my forseeable future but hopefully with everything i have to cross crossed that'll happen.

looking at thinspo has been getting to me a little bit, every time i see a girl old "friend" guy would drop a load automatically for i, of course like a dumb bitch, think of him. I think i hate girls. I think that all girls have this crazy streak in them that will never be justified in the mind of a man. Unless he's a bitch too, which happens often.

no more eating at work. dannys offered to take me different places to eat so if i ever do decide to eat this week i'll have a scapegoat to subway or something.

i've been failing so bad on my probation. idk what to do about it anymore.

I just can't wait till all this BS is over and im settled in canada with all my plants and happiness. all i want to do is wake up to a gorgeous green house and not this shitty room in this shitty town thinking about what effect all these shitty ass people are taking on me.

here are some, not all the favorites but im so crazy i cant even save some of them because they make me think about that kid. and i hate thinking about that kid.

Take a glimpse at complete perfection...

her tights are siiiick i would have so worn those to a rave.

i have more but eeeehhhh......